It's the time of year. The month. The fact that it is almost the 17th. It makes me sad. It happened last year and now is happening again this year. As it should, and will for many years to come I suppose. I get really distant and really sad. There is no other word to use. No other word that would describe the feeling more than just plain old sad.
I get angry at God again. And then start over working through my anger just like last year and the year before when I was actually living it. Tonight I am angry. My reasons to be angry do not make sense. But I feel them none the less.
When Roman got put in time out a handful of times today (long day) he would lay there crying "hold me grandpa Ed. Hold me. I miss grandpa Ed. Hold me grandpa." I was not emotionally prepared for that and it crushed me. I don't talk about my dad very much around them. I don't feel roman would really remember him. But when he was crying for him it just brought me back to being that little and crying out for my dad. And just like he never came for roman he never was there for me. I think I'll be a little more broken because of that for awhile.
11:05 p.m. - 2015-06-13
Recent entries:
too many times - 2016-03-24
Dance - 2015-11-05
Me - 2015-10-29
mountain dog - 2015-10-24
Roman turns 4 - 2015-10-17
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