Someone made a nice comment about there dad and the first thought that went through my head was, "oh, I never knew my dad." And after I realized it, it caught me off guard and was so strange. I was like what the hell? I don't know where that thought came from. I mean, I had 28 years with my dad. A lot more years than most people do. I lived with my dad every day for 21 years.
Then I got really sad. And have felt really sad today because in some ways when I think about it I guess I really didn't ever know my dad. He was grumpy and mean and depressed and hurting. But it was all the disease. I never got to meet his real personality or sense of humor. I never saw a genuine smile or laugh. I never got a dad hug. I never got to know how smart he was. And watch him excell at something he was good at.
I only knew my dad from a physical perspective. How his face looked. What color his eyes were. How big and strong his hands were. But I am realizing I am forgetting all the physical stuff as more time passes. I don't remember his voice. I can't picture his hands anymore. I can't see his eyes.
I feel at the end of the day I have no memory of my dad. That he is gone in every possible circumstance. It is really hard right now. I wish I just had something to hang on to. But I feel abandoned. Whether that makes sense or not. That is how my heart feels.
8:40 p.m. - 2015-05-17
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