I've been trying really hard to be happy and positive even when I'm hurting inside. I understand how blessed I am and feel it would be ridiculous for me to go through life unhappy and feeling sorry for myself when I have so much and others have so little. I want to be a happy mom. I want my kids to have a happy childhood. Especially because I didn't get that. They deserve a happy home.
But I feel like I am drowning. Tate is such a depressed person and to be around him is killing me. "Work sucks." "We don't have any money." "He wants a bigger house, horses, toys, a cabin..." It just goes on and on. All I want is for us to be happy. I dont want or need all of the other worldly things. I've watched first hand you do not get to take them with you. All you have are your relationships and the friends and family holding your hand when you die. I just don't know how to be happy with my little life when the person I share it with hates it so bad. I guess I'm just tired tonight. I'm lonely and worn out. The more time that passes the more it hurts and I just feel like I'm losing this battle I'm fighting with myself. I cut the other night. It was pretty deep it kind of startled me after I did it. I think tonight I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to give up. Some days are just worse than others. I guess that's ok. You can't be brave all the time, right?
"And if I could tell you one thing
It would be:
You are never as broken as you think
you are.
Sure, you have a couple scars,
and a couple of bad memories,
But then again
all great heros do."
7:51 p.m. - 2013-10-28
Recent entries:
too many times - 2016-03-24
Dance - 2015-11-05
Me - 2015-10-29
mountain dog - 2015-10-24
Roman turns 4 - 2015-10-17
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