I really miss my dad tonight. You never realize how many everyday things will remind you of someone till they are gone.
Dad and I had such a bad relationship while I was growing up. Him and mom fighting all the time. Him saying things that hurt me. Me never feeling good enough for him. Watching him the last 3 weeks of his life. I was finally able to see who he had been this whole time. A scared, lost, broken little soul. He had been so alone for so long. And I realized how much we are the same. I'm thankful for those few precious weeks. But I'm devastated they went so fast.
After he came home from the hospital and was in his "office room" in bed for the rest of the time he was alive it completely confirmed my belief in an after life. It was amazing to watch how when anyone (including myself) walked into or near the room dad was in they would whisper. Whether dad was awake, asleep, in a coma or not, everyone whispered. There was a reverence about that room that was so strong. Tate came out of the room after being in there with dad for a bit (dad was out of it just sleeping) and said I have never felt that kind of peace anywhere except the temple. It's like you never wanted to leave that room. I craved to be in that room and feel of that peace. I know the vail is very thin and that the afterlife is still on this planet. I know there were many spirits coming in and out of that room to be with my dad. I know granny and grandpa were there comforting dad. (and I'm sure comforting us) There was such an amazing presence in that room you almost just wanted to hold completely still as not to frighten it away.
I remember standing over my dads body and when he died and his body finally finished I instantly noticed the presence was gone. The feeling was gone. We were now alone in that room. Granny, grandpa, and any other spirits that had been there had taken my dad home and were gone.
I felt cold. In June. Like all the warmth and comfort had been taken away. I remember begging, "please come back. This is when I need the most strength. This is when I need the comfort. Don't leave now." But my dad was gone. I am very great full for the knowledge I now have that your loved ones that have passes before you will come and get you when it's your time and take you home. What a beautiful blessing that is from our father in heaven. We will never die alone. Someone will always come for us. Katie and I would joke that we could just see granny in heaven "painting her face" and getting all her jewlry on and holding her red purse so excited to go get her son Eddie. And grandpa probably kept having to tell her "now afton it's not quite time for him to come with us yet." "We'll Don then I'm just going to get him without you!" And she probably would of if she could. I really wish I could have seen their reunion. I'm sure it was amazing.
I do still feel my dad from time to time. Especially up at his grave. I miss him so much. It's hard for people to understand that. Like I said our relationship had a very hard start and rocky middle. But it ended beautifully. And that's the only part I remember. I think that is sometimes a gift from God. To truly be able to forget. We both did the best we could and that was definitely good enough.
I miss you dad! I hope you know that. I hope you know you were truly loved in this life. I'll always need my daddy.
10:47 p.m. - 2013-07-16
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