I had a 12 meeting up at church. I am now on the 'activities committe' (spell?) exciting eh? We are trying to get our big auction planned that is on the 29th. Me and this other girl that's new to the calling like me are in charge of food for OVER 500 people. gasp I know! After sacrement I was walking out of the chapel and someone punched me in the arm. I turned and it was Tyler he then was like "I'm excited for our date." I just laughed, shooked my head, and walked away. Mandy left so I had to go to sunday school alone. (who knows where Shawn and Tanessa were) after sunday school me and the 5 other girls in my group had to go to the relif society and the priesthood with bro. Pierce and talk to them about the auction. Gah. I did not want to go into the priesthood. Before we went in I saw Tyler and we made eye contact and he mouthed 'me and you' then smiled and winked (kinda) I just shook my head 'no.' When we made our way into the priesthood room Tyler was up front since he is the president he has to sit up front I guess. He looked over and smiled at me. I smiled shyly back and then looked down. Ugh! I feel so dumb around him now. And he isn't helping make me feel any less dumb. I then saw deven out in the crowed of guys. All I could think was 'Deven, you have no idea how much I want to punch you in the face right now.' Bro. Pierce was talking about bringing people to the auction and having them bring their big wallets. (kinda joking) Tyler looked over at me and was like "I'll take you on a date." then I was like "Only if you bring your big wallet." On our way out we made eye contact one last time he winked at me I just kinda smiled and then left. I don't want to go to FHE tomorrow. I'm sure he'll be there. I just feel so dumb. I'm sure he thinks that I am just this stupid little girl with a crush on him. The thing is I don't even know if I have a crush on him anymore. I guess if I didn't then I wouldn't care so much right? sigh. I don't know. Enough of that.
I was talking to boy #1 a while ago and he was saying how I can believe in the church, but I don't have to be 100% into it. And how like the church isn't for everyone and won't make everyone happy. I was thinking about it and I realized that ya know what? The church is either true or it isn't. Joseph Smith either saw God or he didn't. We either follow God or Satan. There is no other choice. There is NO in between. We don't have the luxury of choosing which commandments we want to follow and which we don't. It's an all or nothing kind of deal. Whenever I hear people say that the church is so easy or simple. I don't buy that. It's not easy. Being a member of the church is not always easy. In fact it is very seldome easy. But I don't think it was meant to be easy.
I was talkin to this kid at school and he was all 'I don't think I believe in God.' When I asked him why he responded that he had never seen him, never had a voice give him answers to his prayers. Or anything like that. I asked him that if he saw God then would he believe? He of course said 'yes.' I then softly responded 'no you wouldn't.' I mean, really think about it. Laman, and Lemuel (spell?) i don't know if they ever saw God, but they saw angels MANY time that appeared and talked to them. But did they ever believe? Maybe they did belive that God existed. But did they actually believe IN God? Obveously not. Look at the Jews. They had Jesus Christ with them. Right in front of them. And yet the crusifed their Savior. Seeing isn't believing.
I get the feeling that people think that I go to church, read my scriptures, and all that stuff just because that's what others tell me to do and I don't really think for myself but I just go along with everyone else and believe what they say. Which is NOT the case at all. The reason I go to church has nothing to do with my parents, or friends. It has nothing to do with wanting other to think i'm "good" or whatever. I go because I know it's right. I spent a long time trying to decide for myself if it was true or not. It's not just something to do on Sundays. It is a survivel method. People who don't have the gospel. Who don't have the comfort of the Savior. I do not know how they do it. I don't know how they live. Life is hard. But when I go to church on sunday it's like I'm back for my pep-talk to get me all excited and ready to face the world the next week. Satan then usues the next 6 days to discourage and try to break me. I then return back to church the next sunday for help. I also return to the foot of my bed every night for help as well. I don't know. I wish I could explain myself better but I can't. So i'm going to stop. Night.
10:20 p.m. - Mar. 14, 04
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