I am so confused right now. But I don't even know what I'm confused about. Which is really my whole problem.
Jake slept over at my house last night. A ridiculously long story that I won't go into. Last night we were sittin' there and he was all, "do you realize how beautiful you are? cause I don't think you do." And of course I don't know what to say cause when it comes to boys I can talk to them about anything but the way I look and my weight. When it comes to those 2 things I get so selfconsious and I hate it more than anything. But anyway, so he was saying all this stuff that was kinda a long that line and I didn't know what to do, I still don't know what to do. Because I don't want to hurt him, but I know I will never feel anything more than friendship for him. But I don't know how to say that. I think one of the main things is he treats me really good. I'm not used to that. I'm not comfortable with that. I sound stupid I know. But no boy has ever respected me before and it's way out of my comfort zone. Part of me says I deserve to be treated good, but part of me says I don't. And I think I just need lots more time before I even think about a relationship. But boys don't seem to understand that. Sigh. I don't know what to do.
Dad was callin' mom a 'bitch' last night (and other names I'd prefer not to write in here or remember) I can't even explain how I feel about that. The words don't exist. It's way beyond hate. I'm supposed to 'honor' my parents no matter what. But how do you do that? Honestly. How?? How do you honor and respect someone who does things like that? I can't.
I think right now I'm just very overwhelmed with school, guys, and my family that it's just too much. I'm just so tired. But even when I die I still have so much work to do there. It's like never ending. I just want to die, as in be buried in the ground and sleep there forever and not have any after life. I'm too tired for that. I really don't know what I have to look forward to in life. What is all of this about? Is there really any purpose? I don't want to exist. I'm really not doing any good here, just taking up space. I'm just so tired of all of this. So tired of living. Tired of trying not to hurt others feelings. Tired of trying to be so careful around my dad so I don't set him off. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of trying to be good. Cause i'm not!!! I'm not good enough for anything. But I'm too tired to try any harder. I don't know, things will be better tomorrow I'm sure. Just pretend I didn't say any of that.
I just want everyone to leave me alone, yet I want so bad for someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.
6:45 p.m. - Feb. 08, 04
Recent entries:
too many times - 2016-03-24
Dance - 2015-11-05
Me - 2015-10-29
mountain dog - 2015-10-24
Roman turns 4 - 2015-10-17
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