I have been kinda big on "what ifs" lately. No real reason and I know it is a stupid thing to get your brain stuck on because there is no possible way to change or fix the past. But nevertheless... here I am.
I was watching the movie 6 souls. (No it does not have anything to do with brothers and sisters.) And I am now desperately wishing I had a brother. A few years older or a few years younger. In the fantasy world that is my mind I am convinced my life would have been so much better. Easier. Safer. I mean of course it would have to be a brother that cared about my wellbeing. But I just think about my whole childhood, growing up and teenage years I really needed him. I needed him when it came to my dad. So many situations would have been made easier with another male influence in the house.
I also wonder if I would have made a lot of the same bad choices had I had someone looking out for me. Someone to reassure me that some day I will find a special kind of love where no one asks for anything in return. To tell me that is is not normal or okay for a guy to change his mind about you every other month. And that it is ESPECIALLY not okay for you to think so little of yourself that you allow him. That you don't have to give away any part of you if you aren't ready. Because you are too fuckin special for that.
I have this sadness and feel a loss for a brother I never had. But I can picture him in my mind. I have no doubt he would have brought a lot of light into some of the very dark times in my families life.
9:26 p.m. - 2015-08-03
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