More times than not the kids sleep through the night now. Tonight, however, Emmi started crying I went down to get her a drink and when I came back up she was quiet but Roman was now crying. I went in calmed him down and got him back to sleep. (One of his only half awake nightmares) As I shut his door emmi started crying again. I went in, gave her a drink, and was changing her diaper. I put on some powder and the smell of the powder took me back to every middle of the night, barely awake, so tired it's almost physically painful, would give anything to be able to lay down, moment I have had in the last (almost) 5 years. And it hurt my heart to realize they are almost over. Kids need me less and less every day. Which is something I have been looking forward to literally since piper was 2 weeks old and wouldn't shut up. But now it is heartbreaking to watch them end.
30 is a hard number for me. But not for the same reason every other girl is stressing about it. I don't mind being "old" I don't mind extra wrinkles ect. But 30 is the age my dad was when his MS symptoms showed up and life for him went permanently down hill health wise, physically, mentally, every relationship he had after that was affected in a negative way. Growing up and even as a teenager I never realized how young 30 really was to have everything you love and all your independence slowly taken away from you until it kills you. All I wanted to do today was tell him I understand. On some very small level I understand what that must have felt like to be told you have a disease with no cure at 30 years old. And I am so sorry I didn't understand before. I'm so sorry you had to feel so alone in all this.
This has been a day full of way too many emotions. Time seems to keep going too fast. And everything keeps changing once I finally get a grasp on it. I finally figured out how to be a mom to babies but now I don't have any left. It makes me sad. I think I'm just sad in general today.
I should go to bed.
11:16 p.m. - 2015-04-22
Recent entries:
too many times - 2016-03-24
Dance - 2015-11-05
Me - 2015-10-29
mountain dog - 2015-10-24
Roman turns 4 - 2015-10-17
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others: