Today I was very human.
I yelled way too much. I cried in front of my kids and allowed them to watch too much tv. While cleaning out a cupboard I found a razor blade. Should have thrown it away or at least left it alone. I did neither. All in all it would have been better if I hid under the covers this morning and never faced the day. Tomorrow is a different day. I can do better.
I don't believe in ghosts and that your house can be haunted. I do believe it has an energy. In this case a negative energy that is suffocating me. A constant reminder of your past. A constant reminder that you can not out run it, and you will never be better than it. That you are who you are. The silly little girl with the razor blade in her hand and blood dripping down her arm. That was never smart enough. Never good enough. When at age 18 when you told them what you wanted to do for a career they LAUGHED at you. Mom. Sister. Boyfriend. Followed by my moms wonderful encouraging words, "oh Amy. You'll never be smart enough to do that. Why don't you just go to hair school?" I'll be what you wanted. I'll live up to all the potential you ever saw in me. I'll go to beauty school. Be the skinny, ditzy, big boob, blonde hair. I'll smile and giggle and give men whatever they want from me. But I'll be dammed if you ever get close enough to know an ounce of me. Any of you.
I moved on from this house. I met people who thought if me as something more than the dumb blonde my family made me into. I felt good about myself. I was getting better. The eating. The depression. The cutting. The hatred for myself. It was all getting so much better. Most of it completely gone.
But now I'm back. In this house. Inside this walls and every part of me is trying to fight to not go back to that silly little girl I was before. Yet I feel like it's a battle I'm losing every day. This place may in fact just kill me. Kill the me I just spent the last 7 years trying to save.
8:15 p.m. - 2014-09-29
Recent entries:
too many times - 2016-03-24
Dance - 2015-11-05
Me - 2015-10-29
mountain dog - 2015-10-24
Roman turns 4 - 2015-10-17
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