It has been 11 months today since dad passed away. Instead of trying to use pretty words to describe how I feel and how the lose has affected me I'm just going to be straight to the point - blunt.
I am still very angry. I am angry nobody brings him up. I am angry no one lets me talk about him. I'm angry mom doesn't give a shit. I'm angry with myself for letting him down so much since he has been gone. I am angry at God for how he let him die. For how alone and broken my dad was and god never being there to comfort him. I hate myself for not stepping up. Not making my voice louder. Not helping him when he desperately needed someone.
I hate:
Taco Bell
Ghostbusters I and II
Arctic circle shakes
The car wash
Home made popcorn
Paula's
St. George
Halloween
Subway -where he fell
Oldies music
His car. Which sits in the Granges driveway
His stupid cane
That stupid couch he sat on day after day for 9 years all alone. Hurting
Bean dip
Board games
It's a wonderful life (movie)
I have not picked up a book since his death. I don't feel I ever will again.
Those stupid slacks
How sad his eyes always looked, even when he tried to fake smile
Tucson
Swimming at hotels
The Simpsons
Phantom of the Opera music
Americas funniest home videos
2012
Stupid Drs. who don't know shit about taking care of a patient. Where I learned to be a "momma bear."
Mom sold all his clothes 1 week after he passed. I lost every memory I wanted
His "bowls"
Anyone else who calls me "dear"
I hate so much and I don't know how to let that anger go.
No matter how hard you try to erase and fill a room with happiness the unbearable sadness will never leave. You can't trick your heart with a few happy pictures and bright colors. It will always be the room he died in.
I just want to go. So I can go and be with him. I need my daddy. I need him big and strong again. I need him to tell me I'm going to be ok. I don't know how to be ok. I just want him to give me a hug. I hate god for taking him that way.
I miss his hands. My strong, brave, dad. I miss how strong his hands always looked. I miss my dad. I can not let myself comprehend that he is not coming back. I would break. A little at a time I guess. But I'm just doing it all alone.
I miss you dad. It hurts.
8:34 p.m. - 2014-05-17
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