Mother's Day is on Sunday. It is still very weird for me and hard to grasp that I am a mother and have been for practically 4 years. It doesn't feel the way I thought it would. But I guess most things in life don't. I still don't even feel old enough. Like one day I'm going to wake up at 17 years old and still be in bed in the basement at my parents. But I am so grateful that I get to experience being a mom. Even though I pretty much fuck it up every day.
Roman has had such a hard time emotionally since his surgery. It has been exhausting for me. I know that it is MY fault he is like this right now and I can't blame him for being so upset but I feel worn out most days. I haven't slept more then an hour straight since his surgery a month and a half ago. Last night was particularly bad with him crying on and off all night. This morning he was following me around the house crying saying "hold me, hold me." I had held him most of the morning but there comes a point when I have to feed emery and I have to get things done. I kept telling him "you're fine. Go play." But he wouldn't let up. Finally I said (in a louder voice than I should have) "why do you need me to hold you!?" He looked at me with a you don't know? type of expression and said "cause you protect me mom." That crushed me. The fact that I thought it was more important to vacuum then help my baby feel safe. It was very eye opening for me.
Roman is the funniest kid you will ever meet because he has no idea he is so funny. When he talks he sounds like a french vampire. I have no idea where this accent came from. He has had it since he first started talking and it's hilarious. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I purposely make him mad so he will "scold" me because it is so funny with his little voice. I am so thankful for that little boy.
I went to pipers preschool yesterday for a mom and muffins party. The kids all sang a song then they had each child come up and the teacher read the questions they had answered about their moms. Pipers answers about me:
Moms fav color? Purple and pink
Moms fav food? Chips and salsa
Moms fav disney character? Sleeping beauty because she looks like my mom
Fav thing to do with mom? Run errands and put on makeup
Moms the best because? She is my best friend and she kicks monsters butts
Piper loves to be on "team girls" with me. She is my little shadow and does everything the way I do. That girl honestly makes me want to pull my hair out every minute of the day. She tests everyone of her boundaries. But that makes me so proud of her. She is going to find her own way in this world and won't lay down for anyone. But at the same time she has such a tender heart. Her and I are way too much alike. (As anyone that knew me as a child will say) but I lost my voice somewhere a long the way and I'll do everything I can to make sure she doesn't lose hers.
Baby Sue is perfect. I worry a lot that she might be too perfect for this world and she might not be here for long. When she looks at me she LOOKS at me. Like she sees something. Like she understands me. I can't explain it and I've never had it with another child. I feel like she is a very old spirit. And if she could talk I would learn things only the angels know. She has a reverence about her and I feel very inadequate being her mom. I would keep her little forever if I could.
9:34 p.m. - 2014-05-09
Recent entries:
too many times - 2016-03-24
Dance - 2015-11-05
Me - 2015-10-29
mountain dog - 2015-10-24
Roman turns 4 - 2015-10-17
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