Went with mom and Katie to the mortuary in Sandy this afternoon to pick out dads headstone. It took awhile and the man was trying to relate to our feelings, even though both his parents are still alive. it was too much. But the headstone will look nice. Cried the whole way home. I realized dad is never coming home. This all happened so fast. Started first of April when I had to go to Vegas. In the hospital end of May. Gone by mid June. I don't think any of us really grasped how sick he was. And then when CNS never caught his UTI till it was too late his body had nothing left to fight with. They killed him.
I really don't think I'm doing ok mentally. This is definitely going to be a process.... which I hope I don't lose a lot of blood in. I'm trying to deal with this in a healthy way. The problem is I've never done that with anything in my life and I don't know how. I don't know how to get this sadness and pain out unless I bleed it out. I crave that feeling. But I have 3 little faces to think about. It's so hard. I wish someone got that. I wish someone tried.
I am completely determined that it is time to start living. I think if my dad would have seen the future and the way his life would turn out he would have definitely enjoyed his 20's more. I don't want to look back over my life at the end and regret not enjoying it. I'm tired of not doing things or saying things because of how it will make others feel . I've been walked all over, quiet and polite, my whole life. I want to be me.
The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our head of something our heart knows is a lie.
10:44 p.m. - 2013-06-28
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