i don't see the world how everyone else sees it, and i realize that, but don't know how to change it. and people get so frustrated with me because i don't trust what people say. i don't believe love exists.
i want to believe that deep down people are good. and part of me does. but part of me doesn't.
to my brain all the world revolves around is sex. thats all that i am good for. no one will ever like me for ME and if they tell me different they are lying. guys tell me all the beautiful words i want to hear so they can get what they want and then they leave.
i understand that is a HORRIBLE way to see things. but as i look back over my life that IS all ive been good for. and now i'm so messed up i can't even do that right. but i don't want to do that. i want to be enough. i don't think anyone can fully understand how much I want to be enough. how much i want someone to love me and not want a single thing in return.
i can't even express in words how much i hate this world. how much i hate men. and i don't even know why. but i do. i hate my dad more than i could ever tell anyone. i hate myself for hating him.
i want to find that little three year old girl and wrap my arms around her and promise her that everythings going to be ok. and that i'll keep her safe. and take her far far away where no one can ever hurt her again. but i can't find her because she is me. and she is lost somewhere deep down inside of me. and she is so scared. and so alone. and i can't find her. and she just needs someone...anyone to protect her. but no one will. and no one did.
11:52 p.m. - December 6, 2007
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