I know it isn�t healthy, but I want more than anything to be someone�s obsession. Not in the "I can�t live without you" kind of way�more in the "I need to know every inch of you. I want to know every ounce of what you hold deep down inside of you. I hope to know you like I know myself. Show me your scars and I�ll show you mine"
I reread an older entry and found my words to have taken me by surprise. "Don�t just fuck me, love me. Don�t just love me, live me".
I never thought I would want that kind of relationship. To not necessarily be someone�s entire world, I really couldn�t take that, but to be the sunshine in it. I want to be the first thing you think to do when you have a few minutes. Don�t define your time by me, but be sure to keep plenty of it for me.
When you are out for the night with your friends I want you to think about me. To miss me. To be able to enjoy your quality time but to look forward to being with me again. I never want it to be a relief to �get away� from me.
I have settled so often. I have taken what is given to me and allowed myself to remain seemingly unaffected. And it has infected me in ways I never knew. I have been diseased by dishonesty, mediocrity, �just enough to keep you� and ulterior motives.
It has become so that I expect disappointment. I anticipate defeat. And I know the hurt will come. I swallow it down and convince myself that it�s all okay. I think sometimes I even believe I have moved past the violations each and every one of you have subjected me to.
I will forgive your indiscretions. I will make excuses for your wrong doings. I will defend you past the point you have ever earned. I will trust you when you look into my eyes and swear I should. I will have faith that you are being faithful. I will believe in the fairytales you peddle at my expense. And when it is all said and done and my heart has been left broken, I will still try to be your friend.
I provide all this for the simple fact that I would never think to be anything but giving of myself. I couldn�t fathom lying to your face. I believe wholeheartedly in the golden rule and will always make an effort to treat you how I myself want to be treated.
I am not perfect and may do things that will hurt you. And in this I have come to realize I am punishing myself in twisted ways. But, if you ask the question you never need to doubt the answers you are given. Omission is my greatest sin and I find myself seeking my own redemption.
I have been soured by my experiences. I have allowed myself to be altered by my world. I am more jaded than I ever thought I could be. I have become harder through my living. And, I don�t want to be anymore.
I want to be washed clean, of my transgressions and of yours. I want to be free from the doubts I have allowed to cloud my vision. I want to be reborn in a state of innocence that allows me to think I could love someone wholly and purely. That I could be loved the same in return. I want to believe in happily ever afters and soul mates and meant to be's. I think I used to�
11:42 p.m. - December 2, 2007
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