I am so confused right now. I really don't know what to do. Because the one thing I honestly WANT to do is the one thing I can NEVER do.
Chris came over today. We also hung out yesterday. Which was good cause I wanted to. But today ended different. He had just woken up (he had fallen alseep on the couch during the movie) we were talkin, then I started tickling him cause he had my cell phone and I wanted it back. Then he started tickling me. But I am in no shape for that so after like 30 seconds I was totally out of breath. I was on the bottom and he was mostly on top of me. He kept poking me a few more times to which I tried to dodge, but never actually managed. Then we both just kinda stoped and layed there in each others arms. Which was nice. But the whole time I wanted to know what was going through his head. The only thing that was going through my head was "Amy, you can't start liking him again! Don't forget about before. You can't go through that for the 5th time." A few minutes later he leaned down and started kissing my neck. I was shocked. It had been so long since anyone had kissed me. I wanted to kiss him. Then he moved up to my mouth. I whispered "We can't." He asked 'why?' I told him "I will get hurt." Which probably didn't even make any sence to him. And I shouldn't have said it. But the thing was...
I wanted to kiss him because I wanted to kiss HIM. He wanted to kiss me cause he wanted to KISS. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was the girl laying there. I was just there, he wanted to kiss, so it was convinient. I couldn't lay there and kiss him when I know that he really likes some other girl and would rather be with her. Cause he has already told me that he liked someone else. I don't know if I like him or not. But it doesn't matter. Because I can't fall for him again. I'd be an idiot if I did. I can not let him hurt me again. I've done fine on my own for the past 14 months without needing anyone. I can't break down. I can't give in to what I feel. I can not love him. Because if I've learned anything in the years that I've spent with him it is that Chris will NEVER love me.
3:34 p.m. - Feb. 26, 04
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