Things have been extra busy but also extra hard this week. Only recently did I take a moment to sit quietly and reflect on it. I realized that even if my mind is busy and doing a million different things at once my body is very aware of what I'm trying to forget. It is very aware of tomorrow. I guess that's how grief works.
I think back to 3 years ago today. I had a barely 3 year old. A 19 month old and a 3 week old baby. Watching and waiting for my dad to die. Having to be the strong one to comfort my mom and sister like they were the only 2 going through anything. My mom was off planning all the ways she was going to spend all my dads money when he was gone.
A week ago was the first time my mom acknowledged how hard that time must have been for me. She had no idea how I did everything I did. And that she just checked out and I was left there to hold everything together. I appreciated it. But I just wanted to say, " but Mom, it's always been that way. Why would this situation have been any different?" I have always been the one to hold things together while Katie got the credit. Poor Katie. Always poor Katie. She didn't understand how I was able to be up all night with a newborn and take care of three babies all day while also trying to slender time next to my dying fathers bed. And then volunteer to speak at his funeral and write the obituary ect. I just wanted to scream, "I had to!!!! Because both you and Katie just said it was too hard and you couldn't do it." Well somebody fuckin had to.
At times like these when memories are too hard to push away and I have to allow them to be felt, I get so angry. I'm angry at all the times I hear " you just have such an amazing mom! She much be the best grandma ever! You are so lucky to have her." This fake persona that she puts on for the world I think is one of the biggest things that has damaged me as an individual. (And that's big coming for my life.) It almost makes me question my own sanity. Because I am the only one who sees it. I'm the only one who sees through her fake bullshit. The victim card she is always playing. Question me when I open up to you about my relationship with my mom and there won't be a faster way to get my walls up and for me to shut down and not open up to you again. Joking or not joking on your part makes no difference to me.
But now this has all become about her. When it did not start out that way and was never intended to be. The anger is obviously still there and very real. I'm not sure that will be one I learn to let go of in this life time.
This is mostly just to recognize that tomorrow is going to be hard. And so is Father's Day. I don't have much support in my marriage when it comes to things like this so again it's just one of those things I get to deal with on my own. And I think I'm just a little tired and lonely and hurt tonight. I have never been very good st channeling my pain in a healthy way. But I'm trying.
11:53 p.m. - 2016-06-16
Recent entries:
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3 years - 2016-06-16
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